Well… Wednesday 12 August started off completely normally.

For the past two years I’ve been on a massive health journey. I’ve lost weight, changed how I eat, started running recently running 10km non-stop and going to the gym four times a week. I genuinely felt the healthiest and strongest I’ve been in a very long time.

That morning I put my 5 year old nephew in the car and went back inside to grab his drink bottle.

Then I felt it.

This strange heaviness across my chest, down both arms and across the front of my shoulders.

My first thought was, Is this anxiety? I’d never felt anxiety like that before, but honestly I couldn’t think what else it could possibly be. I went and sat on my bed for a minute hoping it would pass.

Then I suddenly thought about my nephew sitting in my car waiting for me. He’s autistic, and I had this horrible realisation that if something happened to me, he could just sit there waiting until somebody eventually found us.

The pain started getting worse, although it was still manageable. I got my nephew out of the car and had him sitting safely with me while we waited. Within about 10 minutes the ambos arrived. I’d started sweating, then suddenly felt incredibly tired. I remember deliberately trying to stay calm because of my nephew and because I knew if I started crying, I was probably going to completely lose it.

The paramedics were incredible.

And the moment they gave me aspirin, I knew.

I’m having a heart attack.

At hospital I was taken in for an angiogram through my wrist, and eventually we got the answer: SCAD Spontaneous Coronary Artery Dissection.

And because apparently one major medical emergency wasn’t enough for one day, I then had a severe anaphylactic reaction to the contrast dye used during the procedure. My eyes and face swelled enormously and I needed adrenaline. Thankfully, if you’re going to have an anaphylactic reaction, being surrounded by a cardiac medical team is probably a pretty good place to do it!

It was a whole bloody ordeal.

I’m writing this now on my way home from hospital.

I’m incredibly grateful to be going home, but I’m also going home with fear, anxiety and probably more questions than answers.

Every little pain right now makes my brain go, Is that another heart attack? Am I going to drop dead? What if there’s something else wrong? What if I have an aneurysm?

I suppose that fear is going to take some time.

I need to give my body time to heal, learn more about SCAD and eventually learn to trust my body again. Right now, that feels like the hardest part.

Before Wednesday I thought being healthy, fit and strong gave me some control over what happened to my body. Now I realise there are some things we simply cannot control.

People say ignorance is bliss. Right now, I understand that saying more than I ever have. Part of me wishes I could go back to Wednesday morning putting my nephew in the car, grabbing his drink bottle and being completely oblivious to what was about to happen.

But I can’t.

So I suppose this is where the next part begins.

I don’t want to spend mine time terrified of what might happen.

Right now I’m scared. I’m grateful. I’m overwhelmed. I’m alive.

And for today, that’s enough.